05/10/21

i don't want to vent here, infact i hate venting in front of other people in general and i know people are definitely going to see this at one point. but i really am tired of living in my own head. im tired of how when im doing college work i NEED to listen to words to drown out my thoughts but i cant focus with the words so i'll pause the video but then i open the floodgates of my brain. im so tired of being miserable all the time!! im so tired of tuesday becoming the day i cry over college and how unfufilling it feels to be in it. ive barely been in there for a month!!

everyone in my class knows eachother and are already friends meanwhile im one of the only new people there and everyone in there is a new face to me. i find it extremely hard enough to make friends already and now it feels like id be intrusive if i was to try and be friends with any of them. its not like theyre awful people either, they're really nice and anything is better than what my previous school was like. but i keep constantly going to that problem of not knowing what to talk about and it always feels like when i open my mouth to speak nothing comes out

my brain knows this and torments me with it and i cant be bothered to repeat it because i know ill cry again for the fourth time today. im just so tired of being alone all the time, its all ive EVER been. the worst part is i know id feel way better if i had friends in college but i just cant bring myself to talk to anyone

but wow! what a great first entry. we're doing great

06/10/21

hey!! i feel good today. i was contemplating deleting my first entry when i calmed down yesterday but ive decided i dont want to delete anything i put here unless its something REALLY bad (which i doubt id ever do so...). diaries are meant to be like memories and sometimes u just gotta remember the bad stuff so u can know how good u have it now

class was way nicer today bc all we're doing now is editing our project (its a music video btw) and we dont have much else to do at home. we're almost done with this unit and we're moving onto something different by the end of tomorrow i think? i feel like im gonna miss this, this feels extremely chill. the theory work we had to do at the start just made me very stressed and tired but i heavily doubt its something thatll never come up again. i hope i'll be fine though...

i also feel a bit more comfortable interacting with people in my class! i think its bc i just talked to one of them very briefly on teams and they were nice to me so i felt better. ive always been aware of my problems and how to fix them but i never actually go out and fix them oddly enough. my mom says i should stop being shy and my brother says im socially inept (which.. got damn!) but i dont think they realise thats something i cant just magically do. its not just shyness either, i dont think its ever been that.. also having internet on my phone in college helps alot even if im only allowed to use it for like 45 minutes, im finally not just stuck with the same 5 videos i downloaded el oh el. thats crazy to think about though actually im at college until 9am-5pm today and i only have two breaks with one being 30 min and the other being 15 min. now that i think about it, it sounds kind of shitty tbh

anyway im listening to wii party music rn

10/10/21

yknow i didnt think id use this page often but ive done 3 entries this week alone so? anyway finally one not just talking about college im sure you guys are excited. im taking a break from doing homework (we have to do an evaluation on the music video) and i feel pretty chill rn. writing this is WAY easier than having to explain something i just heard about like most college stuff so far has us do

i like reading thru others neocities sometimes i think its really fun. ive forgotten the url unfortunately but i remember seeing someone talk about watching films and stuff with their partner and it made me realise i dont do much with my gf? or with my friends in general other than roleplay and talking. which isnt bad i think but still.. i remember one time me and my gf watched all the jet set radio scenes bc they liked it and it was fun! and for my friends we used to do movie nights but we just kind of stopped one day and despite me taking media im not a movie person in the slightest so i didnt know what we should watch next. i still kinda miss those times though

also im listening to this rn and i forgot how much i love lbp even if i only played the vita, 2 (demo) and 3rd one. i feel like such an outlier bc everyone only talks about lbp1 or 2 and those are the only two ive never played and i barely know much about either of them. i didnt even know the vita and 1st one were two different games until years later.. god i just remembered about the time i had a crush on newton pud. jumpscare! what was i talking about again

20/10/21

teehee! i have alot of things on my mind to write in this page but i dont have alot of time today. infact its 7 minutes until the day is over as im writing this sentence right now!! and i have to get up early for college tomorrow but i have to finish writing this small bit in my work but i dont want toooooo.. ah the crutches of education. after tomorrow will be half term so hopefully i'll be able to write things then

i spent 2 hours browsing neocities sites instead of finishing my homework today! very proud. i absolutely adore looking at the popular sites here theyre so charming. i love the old webcore aesthetic in alot of them and i cant lie its making me want to redo my theming for this site... (though i refuse for now! i coded everything here myself and despite it being my third time redoing this site, this current version was my first time doing it from scratch thank you) my favourite parts of neocities pages are the diaries and other links page especially. is that mean? my favourite part about them is the links to other sites..

and for fandom pages i think i have an idea on what i could do.. literally no one cares about aqw but I still play it soo expect that one day probably. if i ever get around to starting the special pages for neighbours room... ALSO that reminds me for no reason i watched the trailer for the new cowboy bebop film because we're going over movie trailers in class and ive decided i NEED to watch that anime it looks good. anyway i would really love the delve into more stuff but as i said before, no time

ps: i found the site i was talking about last entry! it was cadnomori ^_^