i don't want to vent here, infact i hate venting in front of other people in general and i know people are definitely going to see this at one point. but i really am tired of living in my own head. im tired of how when im doing college work i NEED to listen to words to drown out my thoughts but i cant focus with the words so i'll pause the video but then i open the floodgates of my brain. im so tired of being miserable all the time!! im so tired of tuesday becoming the day i cry over college and how unfufilling it feels to be in it. ive barely been in there for a month!!
everyone in my class knows eachother and are already friends meanwhile im one of the only new people there and everyone in there is a new face to me. i find it extremely hard enough to make friends already and now it feels like id be intrusive if i was to try and be friends with any of them. its not like theyre awful people either, they're really nice and anything is better than what my previous school was like. but i keep constantly going to that problem of not knowing what to talk about and it always feels like when i open my mouth to speak nothing comes out
my brain knows this and torments me with it and i cant be bothered to repeat it because i know ill cry again for the fourth time today. im just so tired of being alone all the time, its all ive EVER been. the worst part is i know id feel way better if i had friends in college but i just cant bring myself to talk to anyone
but wow! what a great first entry. we're doing great
hey!! i feel good today. i was contemplating deleting my first entry when i calmed down yesterday but ive decided i dont want to delete anything i put here unless its something REALLY bad (which i doubt id ever do so...). diaries are meant to be like memories and sometimes u just gotta remember the bad stuff so u can know how good u have it now
class was way nicer today bc all we're doing now is editing our project (its a music video btw) and we dont have much else to do at home. we're almost done with this unit and we're moving onto something different by the end of tomorrow i think? i feel like im gonna miss this, this feels extremely chill. the theory work we had to do at the start just made me very stressed and tired but i heavily doubt its something thatll never come up again. i hope i'll be fine though...
i also feel a bit more comfortable interacting with people in my class! i think its bc i just talked to one of them very briefly on teams and they were nice to me so i felt better. ive always been aware of my problems and how to fix them but i never actually go out and fix them oddly enough. my mom says i should stop being shy and my brother says im socially inept (which.. got damn!) but i dont think they realise thats something i cant just magically do. its not just shyness either, i dont think its ever been that.. also having internet on my phone in college helps alot even if im only allowed to use it for like 45 minutes, im finally not just stuck with the same 5 videos i downloaded el oh el. thats crazy to think about though actually im at college until 9am-5pm today and i only have two breaks with one being 30 min and the other being 15 min. now that i think about it, it sounds kind of shitty tbh
anyway im listening to wii party music rn
yknow i didnt think id use this page often but ive done 3 entries this week alone so? anyway finally one not just talking about college im sure you guys are excited. im taking a break from doing homework (we have to do an evaluation on the music video) and i feel pretty chill rn. writing this is WAY easier than having to explain something i just heard about like most college stuff so far has us do
i like reading thru others neocities sometimes i think its really fun. ive forgotten the url unfortunately but i remember seeing someone talk about watching films and stuff with their partner and it made me realise i dont do much with my gf? or with my friends in general other than roleplay and talking. which isnt bad i think but still.. i remember one time me and my gf watched all the jet set radio scenes bc they liked it and it was fun! and for my friends we used to do movie nights but we just kind of stopped one day and despite me taking media im not a movie person in the slightest so i didnt know what we should watch next. i still kinda miss those times though
also im listening to this rn and i forgot how much i love lbp even if i only played the vita, 2 (demo) and 3rd one. i feel like such an outlier bc everyone only talks about lbp1 or 2 and those are the only two ive never played and i barely know much about either of them. i didnt even know the vita and 1st one were two different games until years later.. god i just remembered about the time i had a crush on newton pud. jumpscare! what was i talking about again
teehee! i have alot of things on my mind to write in this page but i dont have alot of time today. infact its 7 minutes until the day is over as im writing this sentence right now!! and i have to get up early for college tomorrow but i have to finish writing this small bit in my work but i dont want toooooo.. ah the crutches of education. after tomorrow will be half term so hopefully i'll be able to write things then
i spent 2 hours browsing neocities sites instead of finishing my homework today! very proud. i absolutely adore looking at the popular sites here theyre so charming. i love the old webcore aesthetic in alot of them and i cant lie its making me want to redo my theming for this site... (though i refuse for now! i coded everything here myself and despite it being my third time redoing this site, this current version was my first time doing it from scratch thank you) my favourite parts of neocities pages are the diaries and other links page especially. is that mean? my favourite part about them is the links to other sites..
and for fandom pages i think i have an idea on what i could do.. literally no one cares about aqw but I still play it soo expect that one day probably. if i ever get around to starting the special pages for neighbours room... ALSO that reminds me for no reason i watched the trailer for the new cowboy bebop film because we're going over movie trailers in class and ive decided i NEED to watch that anime it looks good. anyway i would really love the delve into more stuff but as i said before, no time
ps: i found the site i was talking about last entry! it was cadnomori ^_^
well i guess now is a better time than ever? its the half term and the only work ive really done is studying for my maths test, which is good! but i have two other things to do in my actual class that i just cant be bothered to do.. holy shit its friday i thought it was wednesday. okay. its crazy how this is my half term, my very well deserved break and yet i still feel like i have to do alot of work? every moment im not doing it my brain is like ooo you have work to do..!! and its hell. i was born to vibe yet forced to fucking work!!
if youre asking why i didnt just do it first back then its because i was forced to stay at a 1 star hotel for half my damn break where i could only use one device and i (accidentally) chose my phone, which was very beneficial for my arknights account but not much else.. (expect a page for that game soon) also meant i couldnt do my work even though i was SO bored as hell that id have been willing to do it there. so i was just stuck revising maths. im doing a test for it literally the first day i get back how great
i said i had other things to talk about and i DO!! i just cant be bothered to right now i just ended up looping around and talking about college again. they werent lyin when they said itll consume your every waking thought!
first of all i want to say that i kinda wanna revamp this page to something different? instead of being a place where i just talk about school or whatevers on my mind i want to actually give myself a topic and discuss it here. i was debating on doing this on my spacehey instead because i just like that format more, but i decided to do it here instead mostly because this is what i wanted to do with this page in the first place
onto the topic! im reading reviews of anime ive never seen before instead of studying for my maths test tomorrow and jeez!! anime was one of the things i wanted to talk about here because of how i feel about it and how much my media section on sites make me look like a basement dweller. which i am not! if anything i dont like most anime because of the tropes in it!!
yknow what i mean. the main character being boring as hell. the sexualisation of teenagers thats oddly prevalent (though thats not just a thing animes do..!). lolicon. tsunderes in general. flashbacks and long ass monologues in the middle of a fight. racism.. the trope of the guy falling into tits. you get it! a lot of the usual things in anime just make me really uncomfortable, especially the sexual harrassment jokes that are in sooo many animes. the familiar of zero is so so lucky that i only realised my hatred for that kind of stuff right after i finished the anime L0L. in general all of that stuff either takes me completely out of a story or just makes me feel grossed out. im usually a fan of romance(? im not even sure what genres i like) but i stay the fuck away from romance and harem (especially harem!!) animes for a reason
its not that all anime do this but a lot of them do and i cant be bothered to shift thru garbage to look for a gem. in general its really hard for me to get invested in a show enough to make me binge watch it all at one time, its why it takes me so long to finish shit. mp100 is my favourite anime ever and i doubt anything will come close to it but even i haven't watched the specials for it yet. honestly ive watched a lot more anime than i can even fuckin remember and the reason i barely do is because of how similar they all are, though a part of it is definitely because i was like 7..
also shoutout to the time when i was like 8 and watching high school dxd on the family computer and my brother saw me and told me to watch something else. he helped me dodge a bullet
teehee nice date. anyway as mentioned awhile back i have a problem with being in my head for too long. i start to get super existential and its extremely annoying and depressing if i think about it for too long. i don't like being by myself because of it and also because being alone SUCKS. i spent a whole 4 years of my life completely alone and you'd think you'd gain a tolerance for it eventually but it actually just gets harder to deal with
another problem i have is with work and breaks. i just got to college a few months ago and its.. going! its not bad its just really putting shit into perspective. i only come in for two days so i have homework to do everytime i leave and ive noticed its actually really hard for me to start doing the homework. the time i get back home from college is late as hell so once i get home on the last day i am NOT about to start doing my homework. so i take a break and maybe take the day off too and yknow i think thats fine. the problem is the next day after where i start getting complicit with it. its a struggle to get me to actually do the damn thing (ESPECIALLY if its just a really short thing..) and its annoying!! its why im so worried everytime i have time to myself or how everyone in my class had a break from college last week because i know im gonna get lazy and when it comes to me getting homework i start doing this shit again. i genuinely cant handle having a break and not having SOME work to do because if i dont then i know whatll happen
i promise those two things are actually involved like yesterday i didnt get no work done because of laziness and the problem is i actually got shit to do. the teacher said itd be a busy weekend but the stuff we have to do isnt actually that bad (analysis comparing different things, analysis on responses, questionnaire and start on researching stuff). and today i had the same problem with laziness where i said i'd start one of the analysis but i just kept watching shit and then i got angry at myself and started getting real existential again. i was watching a video about phineas and ferb (once again i promise i linked that vid for a reason, its also kinda ironic given my thoughts at the time) and i started to think about how meaningless all this shit is and how im wasting my time and life just watching a video im not gonna get much out of when i have shit to do. and it was really annoying bc my brain wouldnt shut up but i wouldnt start doing my homework bc i felt too sad to even bother. so i was stuck in this very weird loop of knowing what i should do but being too upset to do it
eventually i got over it and im doing the work rn dont worry. i knew id get it all done at some point regardless. but back then when i was starting to clear my head better i thought about all that shit like "whats the point of life?" and "whats the point of doing anything?" and how much that shit just DONT matter. in that video i was watching at the end they mention how if you keep thinking about how its summer break then eventually that break will end without you doing shit and i think thats really important. who gives a shit about the purpose of living? if i told you the purpose is 42 then how would that help you? you'd just go "oh" and then keep moving on! theres no point to any of this and its stupid to even think about it for too long because what are you really gonna get out of it? lifes purpose is whatever you make it! and if you ask me the purpose is to have some damn fun with it!! living in the past is depressing, living in the future is damning, so you gotta live in the here and now. you gotta make every moment you have on this earth count
im not even sure what this is about. i just wanted to honour those feelings i had a few hours ago somehow
tw for kidnapping mention. i havent been and im perfectly fine tho dw
earlier this morning i had to take a taxi to college, nothing new. it happens everytime i go nowadays because my mom has to drop off my other brothers first and they're way too young to take a taxi themselves! everytime i did though there was a route the taxi would always follow and its the only one i knew as it was the same one my mom took. so i got into this taxi and the driver was pretty talkative and friendly at first, much more than the ones i usually went with, and on the route we're supposed to turn around and go the other way. the guy drove us straight forward
i was immediately a little worried. at first i thought we were just taking a little shortcut but then i realised we were driving on the way to the main shopping centre? and suddenly we ended up driving through a place i didnt recognise at all. i really wanted to ask where we were going since i was starting to get paranoid (maybe this was a bit irrational on my part. but at the same time maybe not) but i literally couldnt bring myself to speak. i desperately wanted to but for some reason i felt as if i couldnt open my mouth at all? so i sat there looking at the window, wondering if this was it
turns out this guy just really wanted to take the scenic route. i was so thankful when i saw the place i recognised and i got to college just fine. but i'll forever think about how me getting kidnapped couldve actually happened and i physically wouldn't have been able to say anything. ive always had this problem of not being able to speak when i want to and ive always tried to brush it off but if its genuinely THIS bad then thats extremely concering. i wouldnt have had any way to contact anyone either so i wouldve been fucked. im extremely worried that one day this silence will get me killed because if i dont do anything in an actual situation as serious as kidnapping then i might as well be dead
anyway! happy new year. my resolution was to take care of myself. you might say thats too vague but i think its better that ways